Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Just don't go there

Hello everyone
Well everyone seems to say I am handling this all well and to be honest, I really am not.
I cry a little every day and yesterday I cried a lot of the day. I just can not figure out how I got here.   A few short months ago, Ken and I were making preliminary plans for our first BIG tour, and today I wonder if I will be here 3 years from now.  I cannot deal with memories from the past as they only remind me how short life can be and I cannot deal with plans to the future because.........  well
I have exhausted all the research only to find that endometrial cancer is really a disease that has largely been ignored by researchers because it so rarely gets to advanced stages.  They have few people to study.  The incidence of the disease has not changed much but the mortality rate has doubled in the last 20 years.
With so few people to study, it is very hard to know where I fit in there.
I guess I have to say I am angry   it just seemed so much of my life had just gotten so much better, so many things had been worked out, so many of the hard bits were over.
The only true "escape" I feel I have right now is to watch old tv shows in the evening. I crave them because when I am watching them, my mind is totally off of this. (right now I am hooked on "the closer" but last night was ruined because she got some medical problem.)

When I cannot stand it anymore I take meds to help me relax.......I guess another form of escape.
I have no idea how I will wait the 2-3 years.. to see if any of this worked. Most recurrences occur in 3 months to 3 years.
I am struggling for a way to deal with all of this because I know my feelings are self destructive, and from time to time I summon up the energy to "rise above it", but I know I am going to need more of a long term plan.  I am hoping it will be easier to deal with once chemo and radiation are over, and I am ?feeling better.
They say courage is being able to function when one is afraid.... Well I am not really feeling courage, I am merely putting one foot in front of the other.
Yesterday, I managed to turn away from all of this by the line "just don't go there", so for today that will be my way of avoiding all those dark thoughts.

Love and peace

janet bates

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