Although I am feeling very positive about the prognosis etc at the present time, it is hard not to reflect back on my life .....at least from a very different perspective than I have in the past. I do not feel I have the certainties I had in the past (even though we never really have certainties)
I am tending to look back fondly on when life seemed uncomplicated (before I found out about this cancer) ......... even though it might have seemed complicated, now I know it was not. I seem to have divided my life into two parts, before C and after C. I am thinking back on every "situation" in my life and saying to myself "no matter how bad it seemed, at least you did not have cancer". I am sure this is just a stage in the process I am going through, where my mind goes when I do not have some physical malady to "distract" it.
Although our house has been for sale for 2 years, we seem to have a lot more interest in it recently, and so Ken and I are sorting through "stuff" and getting rid of "stuff". I feel much more efficient at this than ever. When I ask my self "do you really need this", I seem to much better at saying "no".
So today I am going through stuff, wondering why I bought it, ...when I bought it...and some stuff.... did I buy this?, or is this some stray article that got left here? Life, thus far, has been a series of "stages" and it seems as though I needed different "stuff" for each "stage".
To get rid of "stuff" is to admit that you bought something that you would not need/want forever. What is even worse is to get rid of stuff you have never used. But is that worse than hauling stuff around that you have never used?
All this going through stuff has me wishing so much that I did not have this "C" hanging over my head and thinking back to when life was simpler. I guess in some ways everyone has something hanging over them, though they may be unaware, and it is not always clear what "it" is and how far away "it" is waiting. Michael Jackson? Heart attack?
I have this cute little book called "Wear Sunscreen" which is the lyrics to the song called "Wear Sunscreen", which was actually a newspaper column written to a Chicago graduating class, by Mary Schmich.
One of her lines that has stayed with me for years, (although I have yet to heed the advice) "Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at four PM on some idle Tuesday."
love and peace
jankenb @ gmail.com